Mind of a Mad Woman

As I am sure most of you did this weekend, we celebrated Father’s Day here in the Mad Woman house. Things didn’t go quite to plan but Hotty Hubby tells me that he enjoyed himself, and I know the kids did.

Sadly, I had to work yesterday morning, but never fear - HH still got to sleep in. One of the benefits of having an electronic babysitter a TV in their rooms is that we can tell them to stay in there and watch their tvs and play til we feel like hauling our asses out of bed. I gather that this is exactly the style of parenting that HH employed, and rightly so. His highness arose after I called from work for the third time to wish him a happy daddy’s day, and managed to feed the spawn before flopping into a coffee induced coma on the couch. By the time I arrived home from work just before noon, everyone was raring to go. Of course! It was present time.

I wish I could say that I had managed to purchase something extravagant for HH for this day, and just make his entire year, but we’re kind of strapped for moola right now and so he had to make do with homemade items. Luckily for me, he is the kind of man who goes for that kind of stuff anyway.

CJ had spent some time with me trying to make a card for daddy that would make him love and convey the true power of Spiderman all at the same time. This left me with the job of finding something witty to go with the cutout superhero. I haven’t yet been able to determine the meaning of HH’s laugh when he saw the card but I gather it was a good thing.

Ash had the benefit of instruction from her teacher in the gift for daddy, and came up with something that made HH fret. Not the reaction she was looking for, but there was a good reason. Seems that her teacher found some of that Shrinky-Dink type paper and had all the kids trace their handprints and write their names on them. Then she took them home and baked them before bringing them back to be coloured. HH was so moved when opened up his gift that he immediately began to worry about how he was going to deal with this keychain for fear that it get broken at work. He’s a “Garage Door Technician” and often has to brace heavy things with his leg, and worried that this precious gift might get broken this way. Problem solved though, and HH and Ash are happy now.

After lunch, we headed down to the ballpark to fulfill our volunteer obligations. Seems when you register your kid for anything now, you are required to put in some work. Go figure eh? So off we went to purchase game tickets for the kids, feed them burgers and chips and deal with all the teenagers who were so desperate to win tickets to exchange for cheap candy.

One of the other responsibilites for HH (aside from being a coach) was the dreaded Dunk Tank. Of course, he wasn’t told about this til the night before, but he went through with it. The kids had a great time throwing the balls to put daddy in. Nothing says Happy Fathers Day better than being put into freezing cold water on a breezy day over and over again eh?

On a side note and totally unrelated to father’s or fun fairs….what IS the deal with cats and newspapers? It’s very rare for me to have 1) the time or 2) the inclination to sit and read a paper but the other day I actually managed both. Within seconds of sitting down to read, the damn cat had hopped up onto the table and after waving his ass in my face multiple times, sprawled himself across the paper. Like, don’t mind me…I wasn’t trying to read or anything. Buttmunch.

May you spend today looking back at your favourite memories,
finding something new to love about each one.
May you spend the year ahead making new memories
and finding even more to love about each other.

So says the message on yet another card from my father. The occasion this time? My anniversary.

Hotty Hubby and I have been married for 6 years now. June 2nd, 2002 is the day that I ran around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to get my hair done, pick up flowers and drag my ass to the wedding. My very pregnant ass. I had the pleasure of getting married in a park, 8 months pregnant, in the blazing sun. What a very attractive picture I painted.

It’s been an interesting ride, but we made it.

Speaking of interesting rides, that’s what I would describe this weekend as. Busy busy busy.

Saturday we headed out to the land of the old people who cannot drive for shit, to watch the daughter of friends of ours sing with her school choir in a park. “Beatles in the Park” or some such thing. Picture a group of 11 year olds up on a stage, with a band accompanying them and an over zealous choir director who prefers to hear his own voice rather than those of the children. Some of these kids have amazing voices, others…well, not so much. But it was entertaining nonetheless. And I learned something new about the Beatles. Bunch of druggies. Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds is about LSD?!?! Where the hell have I been for the last 3 decades? Hiding under a rock? Clearly I am an ignorant boob who knows very little about classic music and the hidden stories therein.

After a relaxing day watching tweens screech like cats, and a BBQ at a friend’s house, I headed off to a tiny little joint here in town by the name of Lucky Bar. Some of my favourite girls were in town and dancing their asses off on stage. The Cheesecake girls were back in town to strut their stuff and shake their tatas in the faces of all the happy onlookers that were roasting their asses off in the bar screaming their support. These girls do a fantastic burlesque show that will make anyone (male or female) laugh themselves silly, scream themselves hoarse and drool as if they need a bib.

As Ricky Hard and Kitten Kaboodle perform their Xena & girlfriend routine with all its campiness, the skirts and corsets come off to be replaced with swinging boobs decorated with sequined pasties. Champagne Sparkles, Bunny Ruffles, Rosie Bitts and Wild Honey all shook their money makers and made the men in the audience squeal with delight. And for a bit of extra joviality, they called some MEN up on stage to see what they could do with a set of pasties. Check this out…..

I just about pee my pants every time I watch that. I might have to invest in some Depends.

For a slight change of pace on Sunday, we were lucky enough to go to see Cirque du Soleil’s Saltimbanco. This was the first time I had seen a show of theirs, and I will never again be able to watch an amateur acrobatic show. The calibre of their performers is off the charts. They are fantastic. As they involved the audience in the show in varying ways, and performed all their “stunts”, I was lucky enough to see the look of pure joy settle on the faces of my children and stay there for the next 2 hours. The colours were vibrant, the talent was amazing. And the muscles…wow!!

There are days when I wonder how I can support my own body or those of my own children let alone the weight of another full grown adult. Yet, there was two guys in this show doing a wonderful balancing act on each others heads. Or the twin girls who support each other with their FEET?!?! Yeah. I pretty much sat with my mouth hanging open for 2 hours. My children may have looked joyous but I looked like a total tool.

Ahh the blogging world. We write, we try to entertain and occasionally prod you all into thinking about something, however mundane, and every once in awhile we get bored. What happens when we get bored or get writers block? We start thinking up ideas for “memes” and start tagging other innocent bloggers. And I have been tagged again. I have no idea who thought up this particular one, but I thought I’d have some fun with it, so here goes. (**I’m not nearly as blah about it as I perhaps sound. I’m tickled pink to be tagged again. I have no life**)

1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.

2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.

3. At the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read the player’s blog.

4. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.

What were you doing five years ago?

Let’s see. I was 2 days shy of my 24th birthday, 9 days short of my first anniversary with Hotty Hubby. I also had a 10 month old who DID NOT WANT TO SLEEP. I think this was punishment of a sort for my gloating when she was much younger. “Oh I can’t imagine what you’re going through, Ash sleeps like a log”. Yeah. That came back to bite me in the ass in a big way.

We had just moved to a dark, damp, cold basement suite with a landlord that wasn’t fantastic and my kid was walking. Hotty Hubby was still working at A&W and coming home every night stinking of burgers and fries. To this day that smell still makes me hot gag.

Ahhh those were the days.

What are 5 things on your to-do list today?

1. Help out at the Bottle Drive at Ash’s school. Somehow at the first bottle drive of the year, I volunteered myself to be “The Almighty Sorter of Glass”. I lugged, carried, threw and cried over (almost) piles and piles of glass bottles. Juice, water, wine, liquor and beer. I had no idea people drank so much. The next day I could barely walk. BUT…I had apparently done such a good job of sorting said glass that my title as Glass Queen stuck. And for every bottle drive for the next 8 years that we are with this school as both kids go through it, that will be my job. Fun times people, fun times.

We raised over $1200 dollars for the school today. So great!

2. Deliver Ash to her friend’s Hannah Montana themed birthday party. This teen girl’s fame and popularity has swept the world. It’s crazy, funny and at times rather annoying. There are just so many times that a person can be subjected to a full Hannah Montana CD at top volume before you want to rip your ears off and feed them to the nearest cannibal. “Hey buddy, I noticed you finished your neighbours tongue. Would you like some ears for dessert?” Yeah. Come visit sometime. You’ll see what I mean.

3. Set up the tents to check for mold - gross but necessary. That’s right ….tents. Plural. A couple years ago my father decided that he had a great need to sort through the pile of stuff in his storage shed attached to his house. Despite my wishes upon every star that appeared for a week, no gold bullion surfaced but we did come to be the proud new owners of some older - but completely unused - power tools and a whole bunch of camping stuff. Including a tent. Well shit…I guess we’d better go camping eh? So we have for the last two summers. Great fun. The first year, the kids were 2 and 4, and slept in the tent with us. Two adults, two kids who prefer to spin in circles in their sleep rather than be anywhere resembling normal…..oh and a couple duffle bags and a DOG. Yeah. At the time we had a dog … a young yellow lab. Great fun cramming us all in there. Last year, the kids were 3 and 5 and they slept in the trunk of the car. No dog. I kid you not. We have a station wagon, I prefer to NOT be kicked in the head while trying to sleep, and quite honestly the tent is small. So…back seats flattened and kids slept there. Ahhh sleep. The problem with this particular tent is this. Neither of us can return to our full and upright positions while in it. This makes getting dressed (or undressed) rather comical - for me anyway. Hotty Hubby has been known to howl with laughter as I roll around on the slightly deflated air mattress trying wiggle my ample backside into a not so ample bathing suit in order to tag along on the beach trip to be mortified as multiple pictures are taken. Unfortunately, this tent was packed up last year while slightly damp. I want to give it to some friends of ours but I fear it may be moldy. Ick.

This leads me (in a long and drawn out way) to our new tent. Again, Dad to the rescue. A neighbour of his was selling a new tent that she’d only used once and he bought it. I wish I had been able to video tape the happy dance I did. The standing room in this tent is 6′9″!!!! And more floor space. I have never been so excited at the prospect of having to beg for some time off from a new job to go camping before. I want to set this up just so I can marvel at the standing room. I’m pathetic. I realise this. I don’t care.

4. Play at the park with the spawn in the evening. Soccer anyone? How about Frisbee? Much as I hate to admit it, I never used to make much time for Hotty Hubby and the Spawnlets, so in the last few months I have tried to change that. This has been so much fun, and totally worth any flack I’ve been given over the amount of “family time” I’ve been having. I had no idea how much fun (and hard work) a rousing game of soccer with a couple wee ones could be. And when is the last time YOU built a sandcastle?

5. Fulfill my “taggee” obligations and finish this post.

What are 5 snacks you enjoy?

Mr. Freeze Jumbo Freezies (purple or red if you please sir), Sour Cream & Cheddar Chips, Extra Buttery Popcorn, anything from Timmies, Starbucks Frappucinos

What 5 things would I do if I was a billionaire?

At the risk of sounding terribly cliche, I have to say I would pay off what little debt we have, sock away a bit of cash for my kid’s college funds, and then buy me a couple new cars and a house. I told HH the other night that if I had that much cash, I’d hire Nate Berkus to come decorate my house. If you don’t know who HE is..you should leave my blog right this second and come back when you can look me in the eye and tell me 6 facts about the gorgeous Nate. Oh..and I’d go on a year long vacation.

What are 5 of your bad habits?

I spend far too much time on this stupid machine, I eat for every emotion under the sun, I bite my nails, I say what I mean instead of what you might WANT me to say (I’m told this is a bad thing sometimes??) and I ramble when I’m talking. Or writing apparently.

Where are 5 places you have lived?

Bermuda, Germany, England, New Zealand and Canada.

I was born in Bermuda. I am Canadian. And I’ve been lucky enough to live and travel all over the world. Yay me.

What are 5 jobs you have had?

Spawn sitter to the stars - or at least anyone who would pay me more than $6 an hour.

Cashier

Pet Store Sales Assistant - 3 different pet stores, 2 different countries, and ooooooodles of information.

Conveyancer - this would be where the jackass came in. Sadly I loved the work and I miss it. Real Estate law rocks!

Frozen Yogurt Afficianado - I can make a smoothie with the best of em.

5 people I would like to be tagged?

C-Rah

verybadcat

Allan

Allie

Tales from the Dad Side

So there you have it. Long winded, clogged up with pictures. But it’s there and done. Cheers Mandy for the tag!

It’s a Monday, and like all Mondays I am lagging behind most of the world. As a result of this unexplainable lag, I find myself musing over various things, cruising the net when I could be cruising the house-cleaning-highway, and I find the strangest things sometimes.

Take this for example. I’m all for spending time with your spawn (if you must) and getting them involved in sports, but there are some people who take it to an extreme. And I can only imagine how the poor kid’s mother feels. “Woot! My husband caught a foul ball. My life is now complete. The fact that he didn’t DROP MY CHILD ON HIS HEAD is merely a bonus.” This guy is probably the same guy who says he is “babysitting” when the children are in his care. Really, who the hell takes their baby to a baseball game, wearing a glove on one hand, with any hopes of catching a foul ball?! Obviously the answer is this guy. I don’t think Hotty Hubby would be brave enough to come home if he pulled a stunt like this.

And then there’s this guy (are we sensing a theme here yet?). His parents must be proud. All the other boys make it over the itty bitty jump, but not their son. He decided to hinder his ability to ever procreate. This may be a good option. Note of interest:- The crowd watching this race doesn’t rush to his aid, instead they giggle. The other boys run OVER him probably while wincing to themselves. I don’t imagine he’s overly comfortable.

Just a couple of things for you to mull over.

I wanted to see what would happen if I typed “random” into Google images. What would it come up with? I was shocked to see this beautiful picture pop up on my screen. It’s haunting, yet beautiful. I’m quite amazed.

Just because I can, and because I can totally see myself saying something just like it, I thought I’d share this little comic…

nataliedee.com