Mind of a Mad Woman

Forgive me readers for I have sinned, It has been 12 days since my last entry. I repent and throw myself down in search of mercy. Hahaha.

Yeah, ok. It has been some time, things have been rather difficult for me lately both in my weightloss journey and in my personal life. But I feel like things are slowly getting back on track. My doctor has me back on Synthroid to control my underactive thyroid and that should help with the weight issue, and iron supplements too as I seem to rather anemic. Go figure…sure explains some of my exhaustion.Â
I have also felt myself slipping back further and further into the darkness that I have come to know as my depression. I have dealt with this on and off since I was 17, after a rather traumatic experience in my life, and everytime I feel better and come off medication, it lasts a short time before I feel awful again. As such, I find myself back on my medication again.Â

Celexa SUCKS. I have no idea yet whether it is helping the depression, but it sure is making me feel crappy. I am exhausted, have MAJOR nausea for most of the day and seem to have a problem with dry mouth. The advantage of the dry mouth of course is that I have a water bottle permanently attached to me these days, and we all know the virtues of water right? If you don’t, you’ve been clearly living under a rock and I invite you to join the real world. One of the other lovely side effects seems to be loss of appetite which is fantastic…sort of. Last time, I gained weight…this time, not so much. I am trying to make sure I eat enough, but its very hard.

I have not been to the gym in about 2 1/2 weeks, and I’m really feeling it. I have been walking, because it allows me to think in the peacefulness of my own head.Â

Here’s my weight tracking since New Year’s…..

Jan 1/08 - 355
Jan 7/08 - 350
Jan 14/08 - 342.4
Jan 21/08 - 336.4
Jan 28/08 - 337.4
Feb 4/08 - 337.6
Feb 11/08 - 336.2
Feb 18/08 - 332.8
Feb 25/08 - 330.425 lbs in 2 months is good for me :)Â

I am trying desperately to stay on track, and while it’s been hard, I am incredibly thankful to have the support of Hotty Hubby and my friends.

Isn’t it funny how when we don’t have the same motivations in place, we lose track of our goals temporarily and it becomes harder to recover each time?Â

Fit club finished a week ago for me. I went in and got weighed & measured, and was pleased with my results. 17 lbs and 12 inches is no laughing matter. I have no idea if I won or not, I’m still hoping for that. But with the end of the Fit Club, came the end of my excellent eating “habits” and I’m finding it hard to recover from that.

I hope to be as honest with myself as I am with all of you, and in so doing I am finding that I need to retrained in so many ways. Over the last week, I have gone from eating grilled chicken, lots of salad, and doing lots of exercise to having some pizza, some chocolate, some POP!!!, and not going to the gym.Â

Now, granted, I haven’t been very well over the last week - not well at all….but that right there should have been enough to remind me of WHY I should be eating well. What good does the junky stuff do my body? It certainly doesn’t help me get better does it?Â

As I sat here tonight looking through my food diary, I was horrified to see what a difference there was between the two weeks. To be fair, I haven’t been toooo bad, but there is certainly room for much improvement. My scale is showing I am still down…but that is MY scale and there is a difference between mine and the Weight Watchers one.Â

I’m hoping to take the kids to the school tomorrow on their Pro D Day so that we can play soccer and take a walk up Christmas Hill - get some exercise. We’ll see.

I suck at this…….royally suck.

Missing : 17 pounds and 12 inches

Last seen spread across the ass, belly and boobs on Meg. Seem to have disappeared, and would like to make sure they are gone for good. No reward. If seen, please make sure they are locked up somewhere as secure as Alcatraz was in the good ol’ days.

Yes, I’m very pleased with these results since New Years Day. If I can keep going on this tack, I will be overjoyed by this time next year. A svelte new Meg.

WOoOOooOOOO

So I’ve been doing some schooling, and if I may say so myself, excelling at it. Yes that’s right. I’m doing well. I have mastered a fine art…procrastination. Some may disagree with me and say that it is not a fine art but I insist it is. It takes a lot of skill to *not* do all the things I should be doing. To sit on the couch just so. To be able to do so many mindless things on a computer, all the while knowing that there is vacuuming, laundry and errands to do. I firmly believe you must be as talented, if not more so, to be able to procrastinate with style, than the people who do not.Â

Procrastination can be simultaneously exhausting and fulfilling, pointless and incredibly important. There are times when just the mere act of putting something off, exhausts me more than doing what I should have in the first place, leaving me to wonder why I bothered delaying the inevitable. On the other hand, I oftentimes find myself feeling rather fulfilled from having spent a day on the couch reading my book or colouring with my children instead of doing the pile of clothes that is quickly beginning to look rather like the garbage monster from Fraggle Rock. This is also where the pointless vs incredibly important argument comes in. It has been said “what is the POINT in putting it off? Why not just get it over with and then go enjoy yourself?”. Well, true. Why not do that? There are days when that is exactly what I do. But, is it not also as important sometimes to not rush into it, to pace yourself, to put it off until you know that you can give it your fullest attention?Â

My point is, I think over the last 28 years I have managed to perfect the finest points of this “art”. For the most part, I know when it is reasonable to put something off for a while, when it is not so important for me to do that pile of laundry right this second so that I can spend time with my kids. As a rule, I know when I need to get my butt in gear and go run those errands and pay those bills. But…and yes, there’s often a “but”….there are times when I get it wrong. I know, I said I had perfected the art. Well, there’s always room for improvement right?Â

One of the times that I have gotten it wrong is when it came to my weightloss. I have many theories surrounding this, and I am exploring them all. What I have so far is that since I was 17, I have gotten progressively heavier. People have commented on it, and instead of thinking “hey, I should do something about that”, I said “screw them, they want to see fat? watch this!” Occasionally I would catch one of those much dreaded glimpses of myself in the mirrors that I so vehemently avoided, and I would be so shocked at what I had turned into that I would start a “diet” and vow to be on track and lose all the weight. This would last about 2 weeks to a month and I’d cave and buy a bag of chips. MMMMMmmmm. Prime example of the art I’ve been mastering I think?

I cannot continue to put this off. As of New Years, I have gone from 353 pounds to 337. Regular gym trips, better eating and, I think, a better attitude towards all this has certainly helped. Looking back at baby pictures of my kids, looking at the people they’ve become now, and dreaming about the people they will grow into….THAT is what has helped the most. I do not want to be another statistic that you hear Dr. Oz talking about when he appears on Oprah. “15 out of 20 women aged 30 to 40 die of………brought about by their weight”. I want to watch my daughter walk down the aisle, watch my son acheive his dreams. I want to live a long healthy life with my gorgeous husband and be a wife he can be proud of.

No more procrastination when it comes to my weight. I can do this.

I waltzed my way into Weight Watchers this week expecting to see the numbers fluctuate in some way, probably to my detriment, but I got lucky. I didn’t lose any weight, but nor did I gain any. I held steady at 337. Not great, but not horrible.Â

And now, I am off to check on the pile of clothes in the laundry room to make sure it isn’t moving on it’s own, and then I’m going to play mindless games on here while thinking of all the errands I will NOT be running tomorrow.

The link to this website http://tinyurl.com/znp25 was posted on a message board that I frequent. It is the kind of site where you enter your stats, and it gives you a virtual model what you look like. If you also enter your goal weight, it will show that too. It was kind of interesting to do, a bit of an eye opener and fun too.

So here’s their version of what I look like now….



And here’s what Ishould roughly look like when I get to goal.



I eagerly await when I look like the second picture!

For some people, just the fact that they can see the numbers on the scale dropping, or that they can see the difference in their body is reward enough for their efforts. Others, like myself, need something more. Sometimes that is a compliment from a friend or loved one, other times it’s in the form of something more material. For me, today, it was a Gold Star. Just a tiny little thing, but it can mean so much and boost your confidence.ÂÂ

When I stepped on that scale at Weight Watchers today, I was hoping that I’d lost something, anything. A loss is a loss after all. I’ve been really good for the last week, eating well, exercising regularly. So I hopped on the scale and wished for something more than a pound. I just about hit the woman next to me when I started jumping up and down for joy.ÂÂ

6 pounds baby!!! What a wonderful feeling. THat’s 18.5 lbs since New Years Day. Very exciting. And while that Gold Star isn’t anything terribly major, or even a big award, it’s something that I can look at and think “hey…I CAN do this. I WILL be thin again.”